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here-and-now-413092_1280As I sat at my computer this morning, pondering what I was going to do in the next moment I had a thought…

What if I didn’t do anything? It’s not a new thought, but here at the beginning of the year 2015, when many people are gearing up for a ‘new life’ and cheering us onward to be our best selves, do our best work, be more ‘this’ or ‘that’, I feel resistance to the idea.

I’ve been studying and experimenting with something called Human Design. I find that if I allow my nature to ‘take charge’ of me, I have a totally different experience. And this morning my thoughts went to a time when I was a child receiving a parent’s perception of me. I was told I was lazy, and that I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was told that my sister could work rings around me, and that I always needed to ‘hurry up’. My children’s father once told me that he couldn’t believe that I could sit so long in one place without moving.

I was raised to be a ‘producer’ – get things done, multitask, do everything, and I thought that’s just what I’m supposed to do. But time and ‘the stars’ caught up with me, and I broke the mold.

Through Human Design I learned that I was designed to take my time, wait until I was emotionally clear before making decisions, not do anything unless I was in the mood, and know that I had my own worth by just being. And the feeling of rushing was the effect of another’s need to rush, not mine.

For the last three weeks of 2014 I traveled with a partner to visit relatives and do some touring. The trip validated my knowing that I do best with one-on-one interactions, and become overwhelmed in social gatherings. When visiting the National War of the Pacific Museum (which they admit was designed to create the effect of the chaos and confusion of war) I felt overstimulated by all the information being presented in various ways, in addition to all the people who were also visiting. When walking on the street with other tourists, and sitting in crowded, busy restaurants I felt anxious, jumpy.

I know I need solitude – more than most people. As an ‘acoustically’ defined person noises, certain sounds, and busy-ness disturb me, and I find that often I need to remove myself from the environment where I experience them.

For me the world of “get busy, push yourself, do more, be more, have more” is not one I care to live in. It is bad for my health. What is good for me is to be social when I am in the mood, not when someone else thinks I need to participate in a social event. The ramifications of that are serious to me. I admit that there’s a part of me that feels I will miss something, lose out. I have learned that in order to have peace I need to remove myself from things that others totally enjoy. It’s painful, and yet I know it’s right for me. I can only participate when my body says it’s comfortable with it.

So now I wait. I wait for the moment I am to move forward. The moment comes when I am guided by my body to do so (however that works). I spent most of my life accepting what others thought I should do, have, or be, and now I don’t accept that anymore. Inspiration comes in its own time.